Fear often makes people stop in their tracks when they are considering trying to keep their marriage after their spouse has an affair. They are afraid that they will invest all this time and hard work into their damaged letmedate.com review marriage and they will still end up failing and being extremely hurt. They also worry that this whole thing will be painful process and so they consider just walking away right in the beginning to avoid the pain and the waste.
It's no wonder then that those who
overcome these doubts in order to commit to at least trying to save their
marriage are constantly on the lookout that things are going wrong or that they
are failing. Someone might say: "against my good sense, I agreed to try
and fix our marriage after my husband's affair. He made me all kinds of
promises and so far I haven't really seen all of them come true. Our marriage
is a struggle every single day. I still don't feel anywhere close to normal.
Our marriage feels like it is worse off than it was right after the affair.
What are the signs that a marriage is going to fail after an affair?"
It really does depend on the couple
and what their marriage was like before the affair. Some behavior, while
troubling, may be normal for a particular couple. However, you often do see
issues or behaviors over and over again from people who struggle. I am not a
therapist, letmedate.com but I do
see themes from people I hear from, know, or read about. And by listing these
signs, I'm not implying that your marriage is over or in serious trouble if
you're seeing them. Nor am I saying that your marriage is absolutely fine or
perfect if you don't see them. Take this for what it is - only one layperson's
observations and opinions. And know that if you do see them, that doesn't mean
that you can not fix them.
The Person Who Had The Affair Isn't
Taking The Initiative: This is a very common problem. Often, the person who had
the affair is ashamed, embarrassed, and trying their very best to act in
whatever way they think is going to make the affair blow over faster. They may
well know that they were wrong. But they sometimes don't want to admit or make
a big deal of this because they worry that if they do, you are going to dwell
on the affair and keep bringing it up to punish them. So many of them will try
to be abrasive and indignant in the hopes that you letmedate will drop
it as soon as possible. Understandably, the faithful spouse can take this
posturing to mean that they are not sorry and they just do not care. And these
misunderstandings can deteriorate a marriage that is already struggling.
Another way that I see the cheating
spouse not taking the initiative is that they do not completely break off every
ounce of communication and contact with the other person or they do not do
everything in their power to change their risky behaviors. This includes coming
straight home from work, staying off social media until healing has occurred,
not drinking, or doing anything else that would affect their ability to make
sound decisions.
There Is No Real Ongoing Plan: I
know that it's naive of me to think that every couple trying to recover from an
affair will seek counseling, but I believe that you need someone (or at least
some resource) other than the two of you overseeing things. Because unless you
are a marriage counselor or relationship expert, this is likely outside of your
scope of expertise no matter how much you may want for things to work. If
counseling is just out of the question, perhaps a pastor or even self help
resources will work. But when only the two people involved are guessing at what
should be done when they are already emotionally confused and frustrated,
recovery is not as likely to be very effective or very complete. And yet, that
is what many of us try to do. The thing is, we are too close to the situation,
and too damaged by it, to see it clearly.
Someone Is Just Not Willing To Let
It Go: This is very common also. Often times, some real progress has been made.
And both people have truly tried to move forward. But, one or both of the
spouses just can't let it go. They continue to run it through their heads. They
continue to feel the pain and doubt. They continue to want to punish, even if
they do not realize it. Or, the cheating spouse feels guilty and punishes
himself. I am not by any means saying that you should pretend the affair never
happened or "just forget it." That would be impossible.
But I am saying that, when you are
ready, you do have to make a very firm decision to move on in a healthy way in
spite of it. Sure, you will still think back on it sometimes and feel sad and
angry, but you shouldn't feel this every day for the rest of your life. There
comes a time when you have to decide that, for your own well being, you're
going to close the book on it and move forward without revisiting it and
allowing it to continuously cripple your relationship.
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